Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
