I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
