oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
