Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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