Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
