THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
