Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
