I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
