Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
