Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
