and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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