how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
