weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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