I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
