i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I won't apologize to a one balled man
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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