for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
