..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
