but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
