Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
