wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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