A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
