I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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