Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
