don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
