I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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