I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
