She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize