My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
as a side note pls kill me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
