we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
