he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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