I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i now understand why vodka
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
