ugly people sure do ruin things
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
