there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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