just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
