Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize