I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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