Your dad touched me again.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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