Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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