you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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