My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
