I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
