she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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