Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
