you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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