Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
