The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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