is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
be right there i have to get my cape
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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