Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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