Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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