I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
