what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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