Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
