Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize