I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
