I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I AM VODKA MAN
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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