I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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