Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
