i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
