I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize